I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
