Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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