My Higher Power is John Stamos
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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