It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
