i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
