When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
