either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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