Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
