Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
