when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
