All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
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I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
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This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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