i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
