Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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