Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
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I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
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drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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