Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
