I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
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