Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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