dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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