Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
