so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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