Even my vagina gasped.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
