dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
