Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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