I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
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He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
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I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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