Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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