I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
