Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
