you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
