I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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