If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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