I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
