Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
