i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
