She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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