I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
