She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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