I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
