Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
