Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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