i permit you to call me
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
