Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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