Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
