apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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