I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital