I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud