my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?