chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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