good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize