What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
