Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
