News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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