Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
