I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
