I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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