My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
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As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
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Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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