Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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