1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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