i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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