If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
