he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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